Shift Your Thinking
& Shape Your World
by Shirley Ryan
While
traveling in Central America, the subject of bandito's reared its
head to send shivers down everyone's spine. This is a subject that is near
and dear to those who travel internationally. Whenever we discuss these
things, as people do, the conversation gets stuck in the fact that
this is something that happens in third world countries. Third world
countries have banditos. Third world countries devalue their
women.
Third world countries keep women bare foot and pregnant. The interesting
part is that some people in our country think we are the enlightened
and progressive ones. Some even think that women have equal rights. This
isn't exactly the case; it's like prejudice, in that it's more subtle
then before, but still around.
Within
this realm, there are some not so new political controversies kicking
up the dust around our values. Unfortunately, the liberal left and
conservative right continue to portray themselves as dueling parents
that never quite challenge the thinking that keep us stuck, because,
of course we are so progressive and enlightened. We still want
to make values about religion and that right and wrong do not really
matter in the larger, progressive scheme of things. So, what do values,
equal rights and banditos have to do with one another? Stay with me,
I do have a point.
As luck and the
gods will have it, the message is clear that change is on the
horizon. And the truth is that we have "bandito's" in
our country too, for the same reasons. Cultural permissiveness towards
offenders, dependency, and lack of family structure (systems and
learning); create systems that become dependent and stagnant. When
families get stuck, communities get stuck and when communities get
stuck, then whole societies get stuck. Growth doesn't happen,
because there is no transition from parental relationships within the
family units to adult relationships between males and females. Adult
relationships create new worlds, because adults set boundaries. So,
how do we get unstuck? Women need to be educated differently.
Women
as mothers need to teach boys how to treat women when they grow up. Women
as mothers need to teach girls how to expect to be treated by
their men when they grow up. They need to teach girls that it is OK
to be direct and assertive when talking to other girls, too. They
show how this is done with their everyday behavior. When women accept
less then they deserve, they send a strong message to both of their
children, boys and girls. "We as women don't deserve to be treated
with respect and dignity. Our thinking is not valuable. We
as a partner have nothing to contribute." Therefore, it
is solely up to women to challenge and change the system as they know
it. The system starts with their own family and their own children,
and then ripples out to their community, church, and school systems.
What
does this have to do with bandito's? Everything! Women also encourage
and insist that men work at trades, and learn new things and not take
the easy way out--like being a bandito. Some people have always preferred
getting things the easy way, like stealing rather than work, but morals
are also up to the joint family leadership to value certain ideals.
This also means that women put their foot down and not accept the booty
from ill gotten gains. They need to tell their sons and daughters that
something is wrong, when it is wrong. Women need to help to steer
the family ship towards those practices that will shape their family
toward new ways of being in this world.
Here
is another inconsistency. I know it may seem odd, but some men and
women who actually seem traditional, may be at opposite ends of the
thinking pole. Because
male and female perspectives are different on many subjects, it is
important to have the balance that those differences make. So women
have to speak up. While this can create tension, and it should,
it also can help us to grow as families and as a community.
We can create
collaborative family systems that teach both boys and girls to be
responsible to the family system, and community, not just
for our daily bread, but for internal family leadership and
change. I am referring to seeing women as "participating," and
collaborative family leaders. I am not referring to women's roles as
bankers, lawyers and corporate leaders. (I am not speaking for
or against woman's rights in the workforce; this is beyond the scope
of this article.)
What
some people might not realize is that as responsible people we become
parents to all of the children of the world. Hillary Clinton made
this point clearly; "It
Takes a Village" and we as communities need to remember this,
regardless of our political or cultural affiliations. This may be one
of the traditional values that have become lost in the shuffle of our
enlightened culture, especially in urban communities. These are the
mores that create interdependent communities that care for one another
and an interdependent world that coexists for the betterment of all.
But
there are some traditions that are cleaner, and handed down from
family to family and community to community. This can be ways of
doing things; those little short cuts that help us get things done
easily. This reminds me of a simple story about a woman giving a
friend a recipe to cook a rump roast. Part of the recipe goes like
this. After the roast has marinated for 3 hours, cut about 3 inches
off the end of the roast, and put it in a 12x12 inch roasting pan.
The second woman asks why this is so? The first woman says that she
doesn't know why. She got the recipe from her mother, and she would
ask her. The next day the first woman goes to the second woman, somewhat
red faced. Her mother had smiled at her and said that she told her
that because the first time the roast was too big for the pan…I
have one about a guy getting directions from his father on how to
wax his car, too, but I think the message is clear enough.
Whether it is
in families or countries, cultural change seems like overwhelming work.
But it isn't, because this kind of change uses systems, processes,
and principles to alter the future. In order to do it though, we must
start from the political leadership residing at the top, and be marketed
through the creation of new visions for the future. Reinvention, when
addressing a whole cultural face lift, entails sifting through a myriad
of history to celebrate the past, while always questioning where it
came from, and what makes it so today.
This
is tradition at its best. Cultural change and reinvention is always
geared at asking questions about the practices and principles that
were learned, and embraced as a system. These are translated and integrated into
new future practices. The job is not really about learning, but
to unlearn things that no longer work for us, both individually and
through our communities. Does this mean giving up our traditions? Not
at all!
Where would we be if we didn't have some of our wonderful traditions
to honor, like Christmas, Passover, May Day, Thanksgiving, Cinco de Mayo,
Dias de los Muertos, Easter, Memorial-like picnic's and the like?
Traditions make life rich and meaningful, but mindless adherence to things
that keep us stuck does not.
Will it happen
over night? No, not really. Unlearning what took years to learn takes
time. We will need to find a balance within systems where the middle
road isn't between black and white, and the outcome is vibrantly thriving,
rather than muted shades of gray. While shades of gray are relevant
in some instances, it's not when it replaces values, character, honesty
and integrity.
What kind of
world do you want to live in? How can we as adults instill personal
and family boundaries that promote traditions that help us thrive?
This only takes a shift in our thinking to ripple subtly through our
systems, like pebbles in a lake. We then begin the journey as a society
to shape a world that leads to interfamily and intercommunity health
and wellness, providing strategies that foster living peaceful, abundant
lives.
Shirley
Ryan was led to create the book Searching for
the Waters of Antiquity a meditation tool, and a unique
integration of her extensive career experience and her skills
of painting and meditation. She is also the founder and president
of Working Together, a business specializing in managing life’s
changes in Mind, Body & Spirit through the coaching process. She
has worked as a professional life coach since 1994.
